Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I CAN MOONWALK!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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