peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
