3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
