We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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