Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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