before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
