Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
