Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
