Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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