Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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