and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
