high people should be assigned attendants
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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