I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
