Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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