If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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