So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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