I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
