he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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