laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
