Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Randomize
