hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
