i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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