no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
