You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
