im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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