what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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