I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
