if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
