I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
