i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
