I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
