sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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