remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
