I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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