This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
