I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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