That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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