nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
