rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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