Pants 0. Shit 1.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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