Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
