Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I need a beard to bite.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
