Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
