Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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