yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
