We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i think im in europe. pls send help
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
