So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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