Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
