i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
