Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
