i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
